The Grass Is Greener For Those You Live Vicariously Through

I feel bad

2008-09-20T20:47:04Z

I made him go crazy. It's my fault. All he wanted was to spend time with me and love me like people who really loved each other should. I couldn't handle the committment level soI bailed when he thought things were just getting better for us. It's my fault he doesn't know how to talk to me or be around me. It's my fault he called too much when we were in fights because I would never answer him.

I'm the reason why he's lost all sense of security, he wasn't crazy before me. He has a wonderful heart, he just freaked out when he had to stop using it.

Poem

2008-07-31T18:24:43Z

SO Nathan and I made a promise that if he would sing at an open mic i would read some poetry. Well, I haven't written in years so i was hoping i could get some feed back.

Try to read it without the "duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh" feeling most poetry gets. And tell me what you think!!!

On top of my dresser
In a clear glass bowl,
lived my two goldfish,
Frankie and Lenore.

Frankie and Lenore,
one orange and one white,
were dating of course,
clear fins, eyes bright.

One year spent
only with eachother,
Lenore swims in circles
Frankie lives to love her.

Lenore was lively and pert,
never stopping for rest or air.
Frankie was content and glad,
simply because Lenore was there.

But Lenore lept from their bowl one day,
feeling deep within her core,
that just a goldfish, she couldn't be.
But gills don't work on bedroom floors.

Put back in their bowl,
Frankie was happy not to be alone.
Lenore went back to circle swimming
now afraid of the unknown.

Another year goes by,
in the tank with lime green rocks.
Lenore feeling and then ignoring,
all her hopeful thoughts.

That maybe her future,
in this small goldfish bowl
wasn't what she was meant for
or all that she should know.

Frankie never knew of
Lenore's dismal dreams.
Believing being together
was all the two should need.

More time passes by
Lenore and Frankie wait
for time to keep on passing
and the memories they'd make.

Until one day in that same complacent coop,
Lenore sat upon the floor;
folded in half and gasping for air
unable to be strong anymore.

Remembering the times
She put Frankie first
Lenore felt alone, sick and helpless,
her dreams no longer hers.

She died that day,
never becomming anymore
than a simple-living goldfish
always easy to ignore.

I was looking at her scales,
usually milky, irredescent and opague;
But something about Lenore
was different on this day.

Behind her eyes, behind her gills,
where her pearl of a stomach was,
swollen ribs and lungs were seen
under scales as dark as blood.

It could have been disease or age
some illness that had her cursed.
But way deep down inside me,
I knew her heart had burst.

"Oh! She's Lenore!!" , you say.
But, no, that isn't true.
My heart is whole and I have goals
a person to become into.

That's it, tell me what you think! Thanks!

rokinsoxoff @ 2008-07-15T13:14:00

2008-07-15T18:22:23Z

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Ex-Boyfriends

2008-07-01T17:33:43Z

(To the tune of the Pizza Bagel Bites Jingle)

Exes in the morning
Exes in the evening
Exes at supper time
When exes are around you-
You will see exes anytime!!!

So, Antony picked me up this Morning from dropping the ole 4Runner off for some body work and took me into town.
Today, Nathan will pick me up in the afternoon to go to Blake's house where . . .
This evening, aroung supper time, Vitor will bless us with his presence at the lake.

What's Matt Zachary up to today, anybody know?

Friends

2008-06-25T17:28:39Z

Dear Friends,

I think it's time we re-evaluated our relationships. I think it's time to say, "who are we to each other?" and "what are we here for?" I feel like I've put anything and everything into your well-beings, hopefully you see that.
If there are things I cannot see, let me know, for you all make me so happy to have you as friends. My only complaint is that I do not get to see you all that often!
I hope that we can all step back and say: we are on the cusp of true adulthood, and our network of friends- old and new- is our support and what will keep us moving forward in troubling times.
Thanks for the years, hope for more and I love you all.

Love,
Kim

The Conversation Has Occurred

2008-05-28T16:26:57Z

So he talked and I listened.

He explained and I understood.

We remenisced and we laughed.

He asked and I answered.

He listened and felt bad.

Isn't that what I've been waiting for all these years?

Isn't that what I've had dreams about and wished would happen for over four years now?

So why did it feel less than adequate?

Why do I feel so much closer to him and even more connected to him even though I don't feel the old butterflies?

Why is it that he can always be under control and always know what he wants and tell me exactly the right things when he was so not together for so many years?

Why did I feel so much more alive back then?

Do i feel done?

Soooooo...

2007-12-29T18:43:24Z

If you want to have your heart ripped out
and your feelings stapeled to your sleeve,
Go see P.S. I LOVE YOU.

I thought Simon Birch made me cry a lot,
and I cried 5 times in Simon Birch,
but this movie was a continual cry,
tears always.

Sad tears,
happy tears,
shock tears,
reality tears.

It was a heartwrencher.
I'm buying it as soon as it comes out
and watching it by myself because
in public all that crying was a little embarassing.

Go see it. Best movie of the year,
or, maybe alongside Dan in Real Life.
Best thing 7.50 can buy.
&hearts;

What Do You Have To Say? - Photography: The Best Advice

2007-08-30T20:08:55Z

What's the best advice you've given or gotten for taking good photos?

Brought to you by HP | Contest

View 143 Answers

The best advice I know of about taking pictures is that if try to take pictures of something that you aren't 100% passionate about, nobody else will be passionate about them and they will just be processed film without meaning.

Volleyball Intermural

2007-08-28T16:13:26Z

I would just like everyone to know that yes, i will be wearing vball shorts to the games and my knees pads and you can adress me by yelling "HEATHER!!" on the court.

Thank You.

[I'm finally feeling like I'm doing something college-y! Bad news, the parking lot in the back is actually a 5 foot deep hole. ? ? ?]

Volley Ball Bulletin

2007-07-31T17:54:30Z

Read My Myspace Volleyball Bulletin, I want it to happen!!!

rokinsoxoff @ 2007-07-27T10:02:00

2007-07-27T15:04:40Z

speechless, for both answers.

i'd like to believe that when one friend is done with you there is another who needs you more. but in the end, it hink that it's never going to be that simple. if transition lasts more than a year, then it's not transition.

So where to go from here? Hate ourselves for trying or hate ourselves for giving up?

Life is shitty when everything's different than you thought it was.

rokinsoxoff @ 2007-07-26T11:17:00

2007-07-26T16:26:55Z

So here's a question:

Everyone loves to be needed. Everyone loves to be important, and don't be ashamed to admit that everyone wants to be somebody's number one myspace friend. But how many tries is too many tries? When you really want to be someone's friend, like real, number one friend, call you first thing in the morning friend, what is the age limit?

If everyone wants to be needed, why is it so hard to reciprocate need? Is the decision up to the person who needs less or the person who needs most? Is the person who needs less not really a needless person but more of a - take a little from a lot person?

What decides the "needability" of a human being?

Is it for the first 15 years of life there is a same sex need? Or is it the person that decides how long that need lasts?

Is it puberty? Is it college? Is it additional friendships?

What makes a person need you less?

rokinsoxoff @ 2007-06-17T21:38:00

2007-06-18T04:39:17Z

oregon=boring

rokinsoxoff @ 2007-05-22T22:32:00

2007-05-23T03:33:46Z

I just want to say:

Kendra- i am happy to have read your update. i like it. i will sleep next to you if you need me to and i read that Weight Watchers is pretty expensive and you have to find out why you can't lose weight emotionally.

Stefy- I hope i helped and i hope you are happy happy happy. In fact- i think you are getting happier. Well, less stressed at least.

Emilie- i love reading what you have to say. even though we've known each other so long i feel like i can always learn something from you. i would love to go tubing.

Stefanie- I was worried about you but you are whole. That is all, you are whole and nobody has any pieces of you they won't give back.

Elysee- I actually had another person tell me that you make things awkward with them, so we made a facebook club. just joking we didn't, but they said that and i decided that i like feeling that way when i see you. : )

rokinsoxoff @ 2007-03-25T22:49:00

2007-03-26T03:51:44Z

i don't want to get in a car accident. i want to grow up and get married and have babies and take pictures.

i like being in touch with you guys.

goodness

2007-02-23T02:06:03Z

the stress is hard. i want to get in a car accident and then everyone will be like, what if we get in a car accident but we don't live like kim did? will we be happy with what we've accomplished?
and then everyone decide that college is not necessary and we should all teach ourselves how to do everything and doctors will be the only people that have to go to college. and astronauts. and scientific researchers. but other than that, no one should have to go.

i can take pictures on my own- i don't need to spend 45,000 dollars for it!

i like y'all. and i like that livejournal is still goin'.

hopefully you won't ever quit.

hopefully, you'll be here to post again.

rokinsoxoff @ 2007-01-17T12:13:00

2007-01-17T18:12:55Z

i've never felt so useless and boring in my entire life.

rokinsoxoff @ 2006-09-25T10:43:00

2006-09-25T15:44:00Z

best birthday ever.

rokinsoxoff @ 2006-08-27T22:23:00

2006-08-28T03:22:59Z

i hope that when you come here to read up on your friends lives, you're also trying to catch a glimpse mine, too.

rokinsoxoff @ 2006-02-10T14:36:00

2006-02-10T20:33:07Z

"The subjects that stir the heart are not so many, after all, and they do not change. (Oliver 2)" So true are these words spoken from the heart of romantic poet, Mary Oliver. Poetry's purpose in life is to inspire meaning and thought in the hearts and souls of others while breaking down everyday objects or activities into miracles and works of art; through this, the heart is stirred. In Mary Oliver's Music Lessons, my very own heart is rustled and by decoding Oliver's religious, romantic, intimate style and the purpose for her writing, the concept of this individual poem is perceived and consumed by the subconscious.
Mary Oliver was born September 10, 1935 in Cleveland, Ohio to Edward William, a teacher, and Helen M. (Vlasak) Oliver (Oliver 4). Growing up, Oliver had a childhood filled with small troubles. Her father died during and unresolved argument causing influenced poetry reflecting this pain; her work "develops a journey of healing from the effects of trauma (Oliver 5)." Most of her adolescent years were spent as a secretary to poet Edna St. Vincent Millay's sister, Norma Millay. Some critics believe that her childhood was quick and lost, as her poems on family contain feelings of grief and mourning. She is a member of Poetry Society of America and has recieved many awards and honors; among them are the Advocate Award in 1968, the National Endowment for the Arts Fellow in 1972 and 1973, and the first prize in the PSA in 1962. Oliver has written collections of essays: Blue Pastures (1995) and Winter Hours (1999) (Oliver 5). She has stated that prose is like a horse with a harness and poetry is like a horse with wings and she would rather fly than ply (Rienstra 16), and even though most of her essays are in prose, a few have been written in her infamous poetic form. Oliver is strict about her beliefs, once she even refused to have her work in a collection of feminists' writings. Her religion is very prevalent, calling small pieces, "little alleluias (Rienstra 16), however, she would unhesitantly turn down church and attend a place where she felt closer to God than in a church, the woods, as stated in , The Fawn (Oliver 6). During most of Oliver's childhood and adolescence, World War II was in action (18) and civil wars about race were still lingering.
Mary Oliver is famous for many reasons: the physical look of her poetry, the gentle splatters of Walt Whitman throughout her work, the intimacy her poems create,the nongender specificity, and her "ability to discover deep, sustaining spiritual qualities in her moments of encounter with nature (Oliver 5). When analyzing Oliver's work, it is quite evident that she "embraces death as a part of life (Oliver 5)." Her center focus is the full circle of life and her support of Socrates in saying that one must not be afraid of death for it may be the deepest, sweetest slumber ever encountered. Oliver for the most part is considered a contemporary poet; however, she criticized by Steven Ratiner: "...happiness necessary to write in praise is almost considered a weakness in the art world's very definition of modernity. How can you be truly contemporary if you still feel that (Ruska 13)!" When a poet has so much romanticism of the past in his blood, they cannot be called a contemporary poet, in my eyes; when so much heart is in these poems of hers, Oliver has truly accomplished good, romantic writing without the overbearing; continual self reference. Contemporary poets write in order to be liked (Oliver 2); never following poetic fashion, Oliver writes for her own benefit and to possibly answer inquiries of readers. Oliver usually uses objects, nature and animals to understand questions of life and, generically, soul. In Music Lessons, Oliver attains a sense of time by means otherwise unnoticed without using her medium-nature. The teacher embraces music full force, taking a break from teaching and indulging in the sounds of her creation. J. Bryan Hainsworth praised "Miss Oliver" saying she, "... has a great deal to offer anyone who has a capacity for being proud to be alive" (Oliver 4). Here, the teacher is decribed in a way of ease: letting her hair loose, ignoring all things flesh and physical, closing her eyes and leaving this world; suggesting an insular life focused on family and home (Oliver 8). The student attempts to enjoy music to the same degree as her experienced teacher but falls short; time and it's disapearing ways are evident to the student who can never fully escape this world of responsibilites. "Oliver's central subject is the difficult journey life is... (Oliver 5)"; this is shown through the student who refuses to let valuble time slip away like the metronome allows. The sounds the student hears takes form, perhaps like that of a cliff that is to be climbed. A scarp, mentioned in the the poem, is a cliff, and the talk about scale: many critics believe this to be a connection from music to cliffs, scaling a cliff and the ascending and descending notes of a music scale. In lines 9-10, the student is assumed to had reached the top of the cliff and awaits the teacher's arrival (Oliver 8). By listening to music as well as playing the student suddenly learns a lesson on life. A music teacher has the same feeling of person as librarian (Oliver 8), so this letting loose is quite surprising; the student accompanies the teacher into the made up dream. Music Lesson is a free verse poem excpet for the last lines where the only period can be found, this provides a sense of finality and end. It does have a sort of 4/4 verse- a common time signature in music (Oliver 8). In the book Oliver wrote to help those less poetically gifted, she descibes how a certain flow of words can physical arrangment has the reader leap to the next line eagerly. In lines 6 to 7, and 7 to 8, the reader must jump the ditch in order to finish; "We leap with more energy over a ditch than over no ditch (Oliver 8)." Oliver's work tends to set up a question and answer it right before the poem closes; Her thoughts sometimes appear to meander, until she arrives at a destination previously concealed from the reader (Rienstra 18). Here she meanders towards the ongoing threat of death and the irreversible, bullying clock. When I first read this poem, the time anchoring the student isn't what I first saw, the second time I reveiwed the words and how they were put together, I couldn't beg God not to let me feel the ache in my heart when I know time is running out. The pressures on students to make something of themself and do it before death takes them is so large that we all must sit down and reassure ourselves that time is there and will be there to allow us our dreams. Time to a student or young person is omnipotent to their goings-on.
In Music Lessons, the piano represents play-ful timelessness or time without concern and the metronome dipicts serious time in a miserable and mired state of hellish death. The knick-knacks and photos show time past. The piano allows one to know placement but the metronome consists of endless, monotone ticking, evertesting the acceptance of the coming of death and eternal boredom. "But one might conclude- as does Oliver- that the metronome is as necessary an evil for the joys of music making as death is necessary to produce and maintain life (Oliver 8).

rokinsoxoff @ 2005-09-08T13:53:00

2005-09-08T18:53:50Z

David's Masterpiece...of pie.

O the Pox

2005-06-01T05:16:04Z

Chicken Pox Suck

Fed a dog i found at my house, picked up kendra, went shopping and bought crazy comfy flip flops, tanned my butt off, ran w/ kendra to the river, got a snow cone, ate a ham snadwich, and scrapbooked. Wooooooooooo. Oh and I changed my layout. WOOOOOOO!!!!

rokinsoxoff @ 2005-05-30T21:00:00

2005-05-31T02:06:50Z

AND YOU GUYS THOUGHT HE WAS CUTE DRY!!!

SIR WINSTON'S SECOND BATH!!

Update from like the last three years of my life. i love dave.

2005-05-30T15:27:04Z

I'm am going shopping today and for the first time since like fourth grade my mom is buyin'!!! Yeah!!!
I saw Bo at work yesterday!! We stopped by after our losing streak and said hello. It made me nervous because she didn't look like Bo. Just someone older wearing big pants and her hair flipped up. I can't describe it.
I've realized that I now have a song for almost everyone. But it's shocking because you sit there listening to the song and you're like, man this is like me and so and so and then you break down the song and you find out your real relationship with that person that might have only prior been sub-consciencious. I think I spelled that right. Wow. Music rules my life. I'v decided that I am going to play my trympet everyday this summer because i love it and want to get good for fun. and run-yeah right, who am i kidding. I ran like a 300 today and i was sweating so bad. it 930 in the morning. at least i'm still playing ball. these san antonio girls keep me running though.

Wow long entry.

I hate sitting back and watching my guy friends that consider me one of the guys use girls. no names but guys- even those who are my friends- are really confused about themselves and just need to buy a hooker.

rokinsoxoff @ 2005-05-26T22:20:00

2005-05-27T03:26:42Z

Today was great. I might get a job! I applied at Hobby Lobby, Marble Slab, Hastings, and CiCi's but a really hot guy works there so it might be okay.

Then i went shopping and kendra and i found a swimsuit that fits her body like a dream. it is so pretty. I got a new suit yesterday but my tan lines from my old one is repulsive.

Then to Kirby's where i had a great time. Me and amy are a lot alike, which is weird. and some people think they don't have a "type". lies.

To Stefy: Cat lovers for life- Cat lovers UNITE!! Ladies and Gentlemen- BRUCE!! his name is still subject to change- suggetions?